The Badge of Shame...wearing it with pride!

So, here we are, finally in the year 2012, some laughing, others not at the cartoon of the Mayans running out of room on their calendar.  But then again, 2011 wasn't exactly a barrel of monkeys. With the changes that began in 2011 coming to fruition in 2012, I'm finding most everything I thought I knew about myself to be suspect.  But alas!  I think I've solved the mystery.

Something strange occurred in 2011.  I went to sleep as normal; a fairly competent, confident, and successful human being, and awoke the next morning- horrified to see that pinned to my forehead was the dreaded badge, indicating my sudden induction into the "Hall of Shame for Parental Idiot-Hood."   For those with young or no children, don't strain your eyes,  this badge is only visible only to your own children and to other members of the Hall of Shame.   Not to worry... your badge will be pointed out (lovingly, of course)  by your children.  When that occurred, I found myself realizing I owed my own mother an apology for telling her how I'd be spared the honor of induction into the Idiot Parents Hall of Shame.   Out of the kindness of her heart, Mom is averting her eyes from the badge, and at least isn't laughing in my presence. 

If all goes as expected, given the age span between my four children, it appears I will have to wear the dreaded badge of shame for at least the next several years.   For those with young teens, be on the watch.  Somewhat like hot flashes, the badge shows up when you least expect it, and like the uncontrollable red face and beads of sweat on your upper lip, your children will notice immediately.   (Which reminds me...I want the name and social security number of whoever decided that the onset of hot flashes should be generally simultaneous with induction to the Hall of Shame, because that is just cruel and unusual.)   Out of compassion, I feel it my duty to warn the others....

Once noticed by your children, the badge causes immediate physiological changes.  Its symptoms are eerily similar to a sudden lobotomy:  an onset of cluelessness, irrelevancy, social ineptness, being " stuck in your "good old days" and finally, being deemed completely unnecessary, except for menial housekeeping tasks, where the potential for error is limited. Your once eloquent words will suddenly project like the voice of the teacher on Charlie Brown cartoon..."wha, wha, wha"  causing uncontrollable eye rolling and heel spinning, followed by immediate dismissal.  Your children are likely to become invisible, their presence only made visible by empty toilet paper rolls, bathtub rings, remnant crumbs in leftover bags of chips and cookies, ignored "to do" lists, dirty dishes in the sink and finally the increase in the elevation of the pile of dirty (or perhaps clean) laundry which covers what you hope is still carpet in a room which now reflects an unoccupied shrine.  While yes, it may be spatially under your roof, I warn you... enter at your own risk.   The punishment for stepping outside of your approved area can result in the application of tactics used at Guantanamo Bay.

Lastly, Be cautious about sharing words of wisdom and advice.   When given without being asked, your useless life experience can cause uncontrolled explosions that may result in permanent disappearances.  It is best to quickly accept that you no longer know anything of value and what you do know is irrelevant and best kept to yourself.  Do not be dismayed by the profound show of respect, compassion, and thoughtfulness that is extended to everyone outside of your residence.   Be encouraged that one day, when your walk of shame is over, and you play your cards right, you too may once again experience that pleasure.  

On the bright side, take heart in the fact that you haven't lost your ability to find your rear-end with both hands.  Others who have walked through the Hall before us promise that one day, our lobotomy will one day be spontaneously reversed.  But until then, inhale, exhale and repeat, and keep smiling and waving.